Failed
by boozyaunt
Summary: What was going through Zelda's mind when she was punishing herself? [A possible/AU idea explaining Zelda's past and helping us understand why she became the way she is. ]


**FAILED.**

 _Whack!_

 _Whack!_

 _Whack_! came the sound of the whip as it slapped the witch's back.

Zelda's teeth clenched together as her arm went back, back, back to whack, whack, whack!

Each time a little harder.

Each time the sting stung a little worse as the pain dispersed throughout her body and the tears welled up in her eyes.

But they didn't fall. No. She never cried during punishment.

 ** _You're not my mother!_** were the words Sabrina shouted not too long ago that rang the loudest in her ears. Her mind rushed with that awful reminder amongst other wretched thoughts.

Pain like no other — not from the weapon she used to torture herself, but that from the thoughts swirling through her mind — filled her entirety.

She failed. She'd done it this time. No matter how hard she tried. No matter what she did. She would never be good enough for that child.

 _ **Failure!**_ _Whack!_

 ** _Failure!_** Whack!

 ** _FAILURE!_** _Whack!_

 ** _NEVER GOOD ENOUGH._** _Whack! Whack!_

 ** _You failed Edward. You failed this family!_** _Whack! Whack! Whack!_

Ever since she was a little girl self-harm was how she punished herself for her failures. Her father used to stand before her anytime she made a mistake and force her to do the same. Self-harm was his game. A mean, cruel man was her father. "And you call yourself a Spellman," was one of the many taunts he would spat through each _Whack!... Whack!... WHACK!_

Zelda never cried or begged him to not make her do it. She always bit her lip and took it. "One day, I won't be around, and it'll be up to you to take care of yourself - in the times of victory and failure. We've got a name to uphold, Zelda. Our Lord and Master is counting on it. Perfection is key, my daughter. Being the best is what we strive for - absolutely nothing less."

He would instruct and remind between each whip. He had a certain power, control and authority over her that no one else had. It was something the witch loathed and despised. An awful man, but a man she respected, because he was the Head of their home.

Whatever he said, that was what she did. Honoring the Dark Lord and respecting authority, following the rules — being _perfect_ — was what life was about. Nothing else mattered. It was her duty to strive. To lead. To rise above. To be the best. To shine.

Oh, if only her father could see her now. How displeased he would be. Hell, he'd probably disown her. He'd probably kill her for all the ways she failed. She couldn't do anything right. Sabrina was a mess - she had no direction whatsoever! And the girl had no care in the world. For Satan's sake, she practiced Necromancy on a mortal!

 _Whack! Whack!_ She should've done better in raising the child. She should've been more firm. But oh that little girl was her weakness. She loved her more than life itself. Sabrina taught her to love. Sabrina was her everything - she was her child...

Satan, what would Edward say?

"Sign it, Zee," her brother had instructed, his impatience apparent and obviously growing with each second that went by. "Damnit, Zelda! Just sign it."

Oh she was fuming that evening. He'd asked her to break the law! Edward had asked her to sign the book of the beast for his daughter he was about to leave behind. "You've got to sign it. If we promise her soul to the Dark Lord, Diana and I might be spared. And, at least, she will be."

"And just when I was sure you couldn't behave anymore idiotic than you were when you decided to marry that mortal girl! Honestly, Edward, for such a smart wizard, you think with your cock more often than not. Here's a thought: leave Diana. Stay with the church. Your sins will be forgiven. Fuck sake, you're the High Priest, after all. If you would just repent and turn away from this-"

Edward rose his hand, stopping her from continuing. "Diana is everything, Zelda," he spat back. Oh, he was infuriating! She could just kill him. "One day you'll meet a man and understand the sacrifices you'll make for love."

She chuckled. How humorous. Her falling in love with a man. Never.

There was once a time, long ago, when she believed Faustus might be the one — only because she'd had a bloody child with the man — a child she'd been forced by her family and him to give the babe up to the Dark Lord. (But that was a story for another time.)

All she'd learned about men in this life was: they were cruel. Awful. Power seeking blokes... or they were idiots like her brother, allowing their cocks to cloud their judgement - really he was both!

No, love for a man was weakness. And it would never be in the cards for her. "All I know is that _love_ is what is going to get you killed, and leave your child without a family!"

Edward smirked. He actually grinned at her response! He was about to die if he didn't explain himself to her. "That's where you come in, dear sister."

Brows furrowed. "What are you on-?" No. No, no. No. Was he mad? It was the only thing that made any sense! But it was completely daft. "No. Absolutely not."

"You must. You're the only family she's got," he answered.

"I'm not a mother, Edward. I never claimed to be."

"You are. You weren't given the chance before, but now-"

"-Stop. Don't you dare."

"Sister. I need you. It's up to you."

"There's always Hilda, Edward. She's more... sweet and kind. Just what children like."

"Yes, but you're what my daughter needs," he answered, making her eyes water with unwanted tears. "You're the motherly type."

She chuckled darkly - not believing a damn word he was saying. "Me? How funny you are, brother," she answered. "I'm the harsh one. The cruel one. The one who will put up with no pathetic whining or crying? I'm not nurturing Edward - not even in the slightest."

"But you are, dear sister. You're the structure that she needs. Anyone can have a fun Aunt, but not everyone has a protective and firm woman to steer them right. Help me, sister. Please. My daughter must be raised knowing our Lord. She must be willing to give him her soul when she turns sixteen. Sign the book and take her from my hands. Let me be free."

Zelda furrowed her brows and tilted her head at his plea. It wasn't like Edward to ask nicely. He was the demanding type. A lot like their father in fact - it's how he became High Priest. A cunning and ambitious man, her brother always was. He knew what he wanted, strove for it, and always got it.

But what he wanted, it was all making sense now. When he'd first told her he needed her help she never believed in a million years this was what it would be. He thought her brother would at least try and bring his daughter with him.

But no! He was giving her up to the Dark Lord. He was doing exactly what Zelda had done with her son. To keep her from being punished for being with child before she was married or signed the Book of the Beast, she'd given him up as a sacrifice to the Dark Lord to be spared. She'd promised her Master to obey each and every law. She'd given him her word - her life.

Damn her brother! Damn him. He was attempting to do the same! She was boiling. No, she was fuming. And just as she was about to snap, she stopped... looking him in the eyes. (How very... unlike her. But that look, it made her pause. It sent a chill down her spine.)

What was that? Desperation... was that what she saw? It was.

He was serious about leaving the church and fleeing the Dark Lord. (Though, Zelda knew he wouldn't get that far.) He hoped by giving up his daughter, his life would be spared. What a fool he was!

But, that look in her brother's eyes, she knew now... there was no talking him out of his decision. "You'll regret it. Maybe not now. But when you're found. In your last moments, as your pleading for mercy to whomever the Dark Lord sends to end your life, you'll see that I'm right."

"Sign the book, Zee. Take Sabrina and raise her right. Promise me? You'll be the head of our household now that I'm gone. You'll have a chance to prove to father you've got what it takes. You are the eldest, after all. Our family needs you to lead. I don't have it in me anymore. Not with us or the Church of Night."

There wasn't much said after his speech. There wasn't much she wanted to say. She was angry, hurt, and worried she would fail. Not only him but the Dark Lord, their father, and the child.

She signed the book with Sabrina's name. Though it was against the law, and it took everything in her to break it, she did it.. For her brother, for their family... she did it. She could practically see her father turning in his grave.

With a kiss on the girl's forehead and a goodbye to her, Edward stalked off into the night... leaving Zee there with the baby.

Green eyes landed upon the sleeping child in her arms. A finger drew up to run along her face... and the witch smiled and for a moment... her world stood still and her heart warmed. It was just her and Sabrina standing alone in the forest.

It was terrifying, this responsibility being thrust upon her. As she stared down at this child — the one who would come to depend on her — she worried she wouldn't be enough. She'd been given the chance once before, but it was taken from her before she even began to make a dent in motherhood.

How would she ever do right by this child?

Something in that inward question to herself brought the ambition and drive alive.

And in that mere moment she shared with her niece, Zelda made it her mission to raise the child right. She made it her goal and duty to keep her promise to her brother and teach Sabrina about their family ways. She would do it. Sabrina would learn to love and respect their Lord and Master, Satan. And at sixteen, she would sign the Book of the Beast, again - only this time, it would be her signature and not a fake.

 **YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER, AUNT ZELDA!** were the words that quickly snapped the witch back from the past and back to her reality. The one where she stood in the corner of her room, whipping herself for failing.

 _WHACK!_ she whipped again! And again and again and again! She failed her father. She failed her brother. She failed the Dark Lord. And most importantly, she failed Sabrina.

What was she thinking? She was not the girl's mother! She was a fraud. _WHACK!_ _WHACK! WHACK!_ She'd been trying all these years to make up for her own loss. She'd tried replacing the longing for her son with Sabrina, and look where that got her?

Here. Punishing herself for her failure to keep her vow to her brother and herself. _WHACK!_

She'd failed their father.

She'd failed Edward.

She'd failed the Dark Lord.

She'd failed Sabrina.

And that was that.

 _Whack!_

 _Whack!_

 _Whack!_


End file.
